Vortex Surfers

by eeabee

–this first part is also posted on my individual blog, sparks in the night, but the end is some additional writing that has to do with the shame aspect that we’ll probably be talking about a lot here–

Yoga has gotten me more aware of my toes and what they want like and need, and for some reason I can feel all nice about them and want to do those things (stretching them out and rubbing them after a long run).

A photo from hikejmt’s WoYoPracMo posts, more of which are here: http://woyopracmo.ning.com/photo/photo/listForContributor?screenName=l9ykcnwlo6hl

This isn’t something that always comes easily to me–feeling okay about myself needing or wanting things (especially on the emotional/psyche level), but this seems like a starting point, something to work from. Maybe it’s possible to start there and work to the things that are harder for me.

I was talking to some fellow recovery people yesterday about the ways in which we seem to jump from large addiction/compulsion to a multitude of little ones (and less harmful ones, so this is no small improvement, and it’s really a matter of going from lethal to non-lethal). And I think that part of it (there are many many many aspects, a real manystranded tangle) is that we (women especially maybe, but perhaps not exclusively, but this is who I was talking with and about) often don’t feel we have the right to try to get our desires and needs met, and addiction/compulsions can be a little way of compensating, of feeling like we’re giving ourselves something over here on the side when you’re not looking. It’s not usually something that’s actually good for us, but it’s also a way of preserving or recognizing our right to have wishes and needs. Now if we could all “just” quit killing ourselves our driving ourselves crazy with this technique.

But this tending to parts of the body that want or need something seems a little more accessible to me than the whole treating oneself as deserving of existence. My reflex is to perceive myself as inherently wrong, wrongness incarnate, fundamentally faulty. But I don’t do this as much with the physical part of myself. “As much” I say because I do not always feel thrilled about whatever flaws I happen to be deciding that I have at a given time (it varies, and I think it’s almost arbitrary).

But I am going to stop writing now because my toes are saying they want to wiggle and not only that but they want my full attention as they do.

Okay, I’m back from the toe-wiggling and want to add some thoughts on how shame fits into all this.

I didn’t think much about shame until recently, which is kind of funny since it’s pretty much the core of all this difficulty with needs. It’s the feeling that I shouldn’t have any needs, even some of the most basic human ones, and certainly anything that has to do with relying on others or being vulnerable. And incoveniently (or not!) I seem to be quite open and vulnerable, not icy/thick-skinned. So it’s a recipe for difficulty at least and disaster ultimately. But it’s also a recipe for changing because I can’t not change.

Shame tells us we shouldn’t want and need things, that we have to pretend we don’t, and it even sometimes makes it hard for us to recognize what we need and want. It’s quite disorganizing. It involves a lot of nastiness in terms of the self-talk that runs on (and on!) in one’s head, all the time just about. It’s appalling, and I say things to myself I wouldn’t dream of saying to others, as if I’m somehow different (worse) than everyone else, not quite human. But somehow I held onto the feeling that all of this isn’t right. And honestly, my compulsions are part of how I did that, I think. This may not be a popular view, but I think it’s true. That doesn’t mean I want to keep being enslaved to them if I can help it; it doesn’t mean I still need them in the same way. But it’s a reason to forgive myself for having them.