Wrongy-wrong-wronginess. But at least there’s sleep.

February 11, 2008 at 4:23 am | In body image, depression, eeabee, fatigue, self-criticism, shame | No Comments
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by eeabee

I’ve been fighting with some serious fatigue and some gloominess–some thyroidy problems, methinks, which makes it easier to observe a little rather than getting totally sucked under and in. It’s a little more identifiable, and there’s no anhedonia–the loss of pleasure in usually pleasurable things business, which makes depression so hard to fight because with the anhedonia there doesn’t seem to be any point since everything’s flat or icky anyway. So that’s not here, just the droopy droopiness and getting overwhelmed and falling asleep and telling myself terrible things about myself (wrong size, wrong shape, wrong comments, wrong silence, wrong ideas, wrongy-wrong-wrong).

But it’s been possible to separate from those thoughts and symptoms a bit more than sometimes–not possible to stop them, or stop having those thoughts, but more possible not to add to them by taking them too much to heart. It’s not so easy not to take one’s own thoughts too much to heart, but I find it’s absolutely necessary for survival sometimes.

But I think I’ll stop writing now because it seems to be rather tiring.

Look Up

February 5, 2008 at 2:59 pm | In anxiety, body image, body/mind, change, depression, exercise, mastgirl, shame, therapy | 2 Comments
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By mastgirl

Something new to work on, something important I think. I started working with a trainer at the YMCA - I got ten sessions for Christmas. I am excited about this because I really want to get myself back in shape and also to fight off the wanting to stay in bed part of depression. When I was working with my trainer, I noticed that she kept telling me to look up. Other than not wanting to see that other person in the mirror who looks twice my size, I’m not sure why I look down so much. Even when we’re not in front of a mirror I hear that gentle “look up”.

I have since paid more attention to this and I look down A LOT. I’m often uncomfortable making eye contact, even with my therapist….especially with my therapist. If a stranger says “hi” to me, I say “hi” then immediately look down or away. What the heck? What do I think my therapist, a stranger, or anyone else is going to see? Is it just a bad habit? We’ve decided that some is habit and that it serves to add to my feeling of isolation…to not connect, not engage. Of course the old shame word comes into play as well. I know what I thought they’d see when I was a child, but I’m an adult….I’m tired of being ashamed.

Now that I’m more aware of this habit, I plan to work on changing it. I want to see where I’m going as I look ahead, look up.

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