Wrongy-wrong-wronginess. But at least there’s sleep.
February 11, 2008 at 4:23 am | In body image, depression, eeabee, fatigue, self-criticism, shame | No CommentsTags: anhedonia, body image, depression, fatigue, self-criticism
by eeabee
I’ve been fighting with some serious fatigue and some gloominess–some thyroidy problems, methinks, which makes it easier to observe a little rather than getting totally sucked under and in. It’s a little more identifiable, and there’s no anhedonia–the loss of pleasure in usually pleasurable things business, which makes depression so hard to fight because with the anhedonia there doesn’t seem to be any point since everything’s flat or icky anyway. So that’s not here, just the droopy droopiness and getting overwhelmed and falling asleep and telling myself terrible things about myself (wrong size, wrong shape, wrong comments, wrong silence, wrong ideas, wrongy-wrong-wrong).
But it’s been possible to separate from those thoughts and symptoms a bit more than sometimes–not possible to stop them, or stop having those thoughts, but more possible not to add to them by taking them too much to heart. It’s not so easy not to take one’s own thoughts too much to heart, but I find it’s absolutely necessary for survival sometimes.
But I think I’ll stop writing now because it seems to be rather tiring.
Look Up
February 5, 2008 at 2:59 pm | In anxiety, body image, body/mind, change, depression, exercise, mastgirl, shame, therapy | 2 CommentsTags: awareness, body image, change, depression, exercise, shame, therapy
By mastgirl
Something new to work on, something important I think. I started working with a trainer at the YMCA - I got ten sessions for Christmas. I am excited about this because I really want to get myself back in shape and also to fight off the wanting to stay in bed part of depression. When I was working with my trainer, I noticed that she kept telling me to look up. Other than not wanting to see that other person in the mirror who looks twice my size, I’m not sure why I look down so much. Even when we’re not in front of a mirror I hear that gentle “look up”.
I have since paid more attention to this and I look down A LOT. I’m often uncomfortable making eye contact, even with my therapist….especially with my therapist. If a stranger says “hi” to me, I say “hi” then immediately look down or away. What the heck? What do I think my therapist, a stranger, or anyone else is going to see? Is it just a bad habit? We’ve decided that some is habit and that it serves to add to my feeling of isolation…to not connect, not engage. Of course the old shame word comes into play as well. I know what I thought they’d see when I was a child, but I’m an adult….I’m tired of being ashamed.
Now that I’m more aware of this habit, I plan to work on changing it. I want to see where I’m going as I look ahead, look up.
I Object, I Protest, It’s not Fair, If it’s Going to be like that I’m Taking My Toys and Going Home.
January 25, 2008 at 5:44 am | In depression, eeabee, fear, rejection, shame, support, work | No CommentsTags: anxiety, communication, fear, panic, relationships, shame, support, therapy, work
by eeabee
So. My friends here reassembled me after falling apart over various things the other day, and I’ve got a new project for you all already! The previous project is a little hard for me to untangle/piece apart, but the basic idea is that I keep having the experience of feeling some trust (for people like my spouse and therapist) and being startled to find that I’m feeling hurt by them, while at the same time knowing they don’t want to hurt me, thus making me get all confused and feeling like my cat looks when he’s running in circles after his tail. So that’s been a whole big thing lately.
And I really felt that this was plenty of this sort of thing thank you very much.
But (complain, complain) yesterday I was back at work for a whole new batch of students and classes and fairly wound up because I was so reminded of last spring, which is when my father died and everything was just a big boggy mess. My employer overheard me talking to a friend about house-hunting, and I live a ways from work and my employer does not appear to like of this situation, so she did this whole pull-me-into-her-office-close-the-door thing, accompanied by some very alarming comments. It was very out-of-the-blue and strangely without context. I handled all this with extreme dignity, of course, and burst into tears (and I do not cry glamorously but blotchily and puffily). Turns out that she wasn’t saying anything new at all and hadn’t meant to be threatening (it had sounded to me like I was on the brink of job-losing), just worried that I wasn’t getting to know some of the people I work with well enough because that might have effects on decisions they make about me in the future or something. Not quite how it came out initially, and certainly not to my ears. I had felt more like an abject creature halfway firing-squad victim and the other half small child who’s been sent to the principal’s office and is imagining catastrophic consequences awaiting. The said spouse and therapist helped me to not freak out any more than I already had–nice twist isn’t it? Maybe the next thing will be my employer helping me deal with whoever the next situation is who gets me all confused. I’m not quite ready for that though!
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