Vortex Surfers

By mastgirl

Something new to work on, something important I think. I started working with a trainer at the YMCA - I got ten sessions for Christmas. I am excited about this because I really want to get myself back in shape and also to fight off the wanting to stay in bed part of depression. When I was working with my trainer, I noticed that she kept telling me to look up. Other than not wanting to see that other person in the mirror who looks twice my size, I’m not sure why I look down so much. Even when we’re not in front of a mirror I hear that gentle “look up”.

I have since paid more attention to this and I look down A LOT. I’m often uncomfortable making eye contact, even with my therapist….especially with my therapist. If a stranger says “hi” to me, I say “hi” then immediately look down or away. What the heck? What do I think my therapist, a stranger, or anyone else is going to see? Is it just a bad habit? We’ve decided that some is habit and that it serves to add to my feeling of isolation…to not connect, not engage. Of course the old shame word comes into play as well. I know what I thought they’d see when I was a child, but I’m an adult….I’m tired of being ashamed.

Now that I’m more aware of this habit, I plan to work on changing it. I want to see where I’m going as I look ahead, look up.