Needs? Not me!

March 20, 2009 at 11:05 am | Posted in buddhism, family, fiona, needs, psychology, roles, self-care, therapy, Uncategorized | 2 Comments
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by Fiona

Yeah… didn’t even know about those things. My biggest surprise was getting a list of emotional needs! (I got the list from my first therapist because I didn’t know what she was talking about.) Whoa, this one backed me up. I had yearned for those things – to be seen, acknowledged, played with. I had put them under my “weaknesses” list. 

I’ve kind of taken to this “getting my needs met” stuff. Seeing a list on a sheet of paper was almost like the groceries that i’d been missing. It was OK to have these; in fact, everyone did and I had a right to get them. Somehow seeing it written in a book or on paper took away the “zing” or shame of wanting these things. Because someone  other than me said it was OK.  Just wanting or needing them myself – I paid NO attention to that.

I realized that my anger (that I never aknowledged) was very related to not getting my needs met. I had chronically unmet needs and it made me cranky!

I still have a very hard time asking for what I need or want.  There are certain people, places and times when i can ask, but others are hard. I’ll pay attention to that.

Now, what about this selfless, doing for others is the greatest good thing. Is this OK as long as I get my needs met. This is where i’m getting confused. In my Buddhist readings, selflessly doing for others is the way to go. 

Gotta go and get dinner for my family.  —— Isn’t this the woman’s story? I do derive pleasure from doing for my family. When is this pathological? I guess as long as I don’t ignore myself. I do know that I can avoid doing things I need to do with the thought that i’m doing for others.

I can relate to the “my compulsions are my reward.” Reward for what? For ignoring my needs. For getting through the day, usually.

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  1. This happened to me too in a way–I got one of those lists of emotional needs and the list implies that these are normal human and therefore acceptable needs–what a shocking revelation. I don’t always believe that any needs are okay (for me) so maybe I need to see if I can dig up that list and revisit it. Thanks for this post!

    Comment by eeabee— March 20, 2009 #

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  2. i get confused at the same point. i think maybe because selfless is my default. not in a martyr-ish way, most of the time. just in an “it didn’t even occur to me to think of myself” way. most of the time it genuinely doesn’t. so i keep reading the Buddhist stuff and i realise that unless i get that anger under control, and those needs met then any good karma i build up gets undone right away because the anger eats it all up — even if it’s only anger at myself. or maybe worst of all like that i’m not sure.

    and i start to think about how selfless really does mean without self. it isn’t about giving things up that we need. we still ‘cherish’ the form. we don’t give up on that but we do notice with awareness that what we’re doing is always without self because it’s an illusion anyway. a transitory thing, just like our needs. that doesn’t mean we ignore them, though, yeah?

    Comment by Catatonic Kid— August 17, 2009 #

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